The Relationship Scientist

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There’s no such thing as a “normal” amount of sex. There’s a huge range in the amount that most couples have sex on a weekly basis. One recent report indicated that married couples in their 20s and 30s tend to have sex on average about 12 times per month (with about 68 percent of the sample falling between three and 21 times). Married couples in their 30s and 40s are having significantly less sex, averaging about six times per month (with about 68 percent of the sample falling between zero and 13 times). In short, there’s quite a big range in how often couples get it on, which means spending any time thinking about “what most people are doing” is probably a useless exercise.

COLUMN: Do You Need Couple's Therapy?

This last point illustrates a key theme I want to emphasize. Don’t think about and derive your sexual satisfaction from what you think other people are doing in the bedroom. Instead, think about what you want and what feels right for you and your partner.

Approaching the Problem
What women need to remember is: It’s not always about you! I don’t mean this to be insulting (if you’re unhappy, of course it’s about you); I mean it as an invitation. Speak to your partner about your wants, needs and desires before you start fretting about what you might be doing wrong. There’s probably more going on than you realize.

For most people, men and women alike, there’s a natural decline in sexual activity once a relationship becomes established. Add to this a stressful job, exercise and maybe kids and, well, you start mixing the ingredients of chastity. If your man has lost some of his mojo, don’t be shy. Ask him directly what’s up.

I know what you may be thinking: How can I talk directly about this? First, describe what the problem is. Don’t blame, just describe. Second, express how you feel (again, without blaming). Third, inquire about what’s going on with your partner in a way that invites further discussion. Finally, suggest a plan. You don’t have to shoulder the burden of initiating sex all the time, but you can suggest a plan for more action.

Before ending this column, I’d like to put forth one final thought: sex begets sex. It’s like babies and sleep. To encourage good sleeping in children, you keep as regular a schedule as possible and you make sure they get their naps on time. The same goes for sex. The more you do it, the more you will do it. The best way to interrupt a dry spell is to not think about the dry spell. Just do it. Then, do it again.

QUIZ: Are You Sexually Satisfied?