David Sbarra, Ph.D.
YouBeauty Relationship Expert
replied almost 2 years ago:
Dear aries73 - I'm replying as the YB.com "relationship expert" and as a
licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in working with couples.
First,
this sounds like a difficult and painful experience for you. I'm sorry the
last two years have been so tough. Let me sum-up my response with a
single word: Trust. You have to trust that this can work out well. You
have to trust that your friend (potential partner) is being honest when he
says, "It's OK." You have to trust yourself to know what's the correct and
good decision in this situation. And, most importantly, you have to trust
your ability to be OK if this doesn't work out in the end. You stated that
you broke up with him "... because I had epilepsy." The single most
important question you can ask yourself now is this: What's changed? Do
you trust he's changed and is ready to accept all of you? Is there real
evidence that he's willing to accept you and your condition? Is there
evidence that he's not? Also, how have YOU changed? Are you ready to share
this part of your life with another person? So many times in life we make
up reasons in our head to prevent feeling bad at some point in the future.
The problem with these types of thoughts is that they prevent us from
testing reality. Maybe the reality of the situation is that he'll see you
just as you are-- a complete person who happens to have a chronic medical
condition. Maybe he'll love you more if he can share that difficult part
of your life with you. Maybe he can help you manage your epilepsy in a way
you never even thought possible. Realizing these positive possibilities
requires that you trust what he's saying and approach the situation
optimistically. This takes courage, of course, but it's quite possible to
do, provided you don't have clear evidence that he can't handle strong
emotions/experiences in general. If there's a legitimate reason to think
he's going to crumble once he learns the ins-and-outs of your life with
epilepsy, then the pay-off might not be worth the risk. However, if your
concerns are mostly in your head ("what ifs..."), then the best thing you
can do is to give it a whirl and get some actual evidence on how he
handles everything. This is a very tough decision, I realize. Unless you
have clear reasons why it can't work, why not go for it? If you can find
the courage to trust that it can and will work out, no matter what
happens, I think you'll be on your way to a very positive outcome. I hope
these thoughts help. Please feel free to write back.
