Cycy23
replied about 1 year ago:
I have this problem as well in my relationships, so I can definitely relate. I'm a very confident woman with a great career, healthy body, etc. So in the beginning of a relationship, I put off that same confidence that you are talking about, it's not confidence so much as you just don't care as much at that point. When I fall in love, the more in love I am, the more insecure I get about things, and before I know it, I'm starting fights over nothing simply so he'll focus his attention on me. Talk about warped huh?!
But I did a lot of reading and researching on issues of jealousy and insecurity, basically b/c I found a guy that is so awesome that I don't want to lose him over stupid insecurities. I learned a lot, and although I still struggle with it, I'm doing much better & I have a healthier relationship than ever. Here are some of the most important things I've learned:
1) Focus on yourself and filling your own needs. DO NOT depend on a man to make you happy. Happiness is something we create for ourselves and if you are not happy by yourself, you will not be happy with someone else. A good way to analyze this is to think about what you do when you are alone. Do you spend your time doing things you enjoy? Or do you spend your time fretting and worrying over silly things?
2) Realize and truly deeply accept that you DO NOT need him. Yes, you love him. No, you don't want to think about spending one day without him, much less the rest of your life. But really REALLY if something happened to the two of you, you WILL be okay. You would be sad and brokenhearted, but you would make it, and honestly you would come to love again. Accepting that you do not need him is liberating b/c in another way, it shows you are capable of making yourself happy.
3) Men are attracted to confidence. I remind myself of this constantly b/c my significant other is a powerful confident man, and that is a huge reason why I was attracted to him. Being confident simply means being proud of who you are and being unafraid of being who you are. BELIEVE that you are enough. BELIEVE that you have everything it takes to make this man happy.
4) Trust has to be in a relationship. When you quit trusting and start questioning everything, only problems can arise. I found a very handy article online about how crucial it is to stop playing 'emotional detective' in your relationship. THIS IS HUGE!! Basically this means don't look for problems that aren't there. Don't make something that it is not. If your boyfriend wants to hang out with friends, don't make it into something against you. Leave it being what it is, your boyfriend needing to hang out with his friends, just like you need to hang out with your girlfriends. If you don't have any other friends than your boyfriend, well that's unhealthy in itself.
5) Finally, be happy in the present moment. All these tips tie together and this plays apart in simply 'letting it be.' Let your relationship be happy, enjoy it, surround yourself in it. B/c it may not last. Then it also might. I know for a fact that being constantly afraid that a man is cheating or losing interest--well it's a self-fulfilling prophecy b/c you will make it happen with the constant pressure and anxiety you create in the relationship.
I mean none of this as an insult toward you of course, as I've been in your shoes I promise!! But it IS worth finding self-acceptance to set yourself free from these mental bonds that you are creating for yourself. Sounds like you have a boyfriend that really wants to be with you, but you've got to let things be. Live in the moment and enjoy it. Don't worry about what he might do tomorrow or you'll be worrying until then. Take care and I hope this helps.
