My husband is an alcoholic, what should I do?

by laurad2

12 months ago

Viewed 626 times

My husband and I have been married for 14 years.  He has always enjoyed his beer.  I think even when we dated I should have realized that there was a problem, but I didn't and we now have 2 fantastic girls, 15 & 12.  Over the years the drinking has gotten worse and worse.  This past fall he actually lost a job because he was drinking.  And before that he was laid off, so we were in dire need of the income.  I told him that he had to get help or leave.  One week later our youngest had a medical emergancy and all of my attention went to her and husband flew under the radar and started drinking again, just hiding it now.  He is so mean when he drinks.  I learned recently that when the girls were younger he would drink and drive with them.   They are very nervous when they think he has been drinking.  They love him very much.  I feel like when he is drinking he is verbally abusive, of course he doesn't think that.   I have given him ONE last chance.  He now attends AA about twice a week, but he still won't admit to me that there is even a problem.  I feel like he is holding my life in limbo as I wait for him to go back on his promise of not drinking, again.  And the kids are so scared that we are going to divorce, which we may, if he keeps drinking.  Any suggestions?  He is a good man, when he is sober he is a very good person.  I believe that alcoholism is a disease and I think he may want to stop, but won't get help and he won't be able to do it on his own.  Should I wait for the next drink?  Then what?  Please, any thoughts.

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  lover4455 replied 12 months ago:

  Honey, The only thing that I can think of in divorcing him. You may need to do it. I know what your 12 year old may be going through, as I happen to know a few.

  Or what you could try to do is throwing away all his beer or limiting him to 1-2 beers a day. Plus he should really eat something that way it absorbs better.

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  David Sbarra, Ph.D. YouBeauty Relationship Expert replied 12 months ago:

  Dear laurad2,

  I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband’s drinking is taking a negative toll on your life, and you’ve reached a point where you’re seriously thinking about divorce. First, let me say that YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Many people are living with an alcoholic partner, and it might benefit you to seek-out a support group (for example: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). Not only will such a group give you ideas about how people are handling similar situations (and ideas for what you might do), it will give you a place to connect with other people who are going through similar experiences. Feeling alone in your sadness, anger, and frustration can be one of the most difficult things in the world. So, my first piece of advice is to get connected with people who know—from their own experiences—what it’s like to be in your shoes. If you can’t find a good support group, then finding an individual therapist to help you think through your decisions and deal with the pain of this experience would be a good idea.

  As to the question of separation and divorce, I agree that this is a decision that must be on the table now. In some of my recent YouBeauty.com columns I’ve addressed the topic of why and when to leave your relationship. You might consider the ideas in the columns as a basis for thinking about your decisions. I am not in a position to give specific advice about your marriage (over the internet via this forum) because there’s no way I can know enough to make the best assessment of what’s right for you. Therefore, I can speak only in generalities, but you might find some of this helpful.  I think it is critical to determine what you are and are not willing to do for this marriage. Must he stop drinking now? Must he continue in AA? What if he slips up? What will be the “final straw” that leads you to separate? If you separate, are there conditions under which you’d be willing to take him back? What is clear from your post is that you can’t continue living as you are, so I would encourage you to think about what you and your kids need (and want), then outline the steps for getting there.

  Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s a disease that can affect the entire family. If there’s a point where the toxicity of your husband’s illness is too much for you and your children, then a decision to separate must be considered. The hard part will be knowing what that point is and when you’ve arrived there. Sounds like you’re very close, and I wish you the best for deciding what to do.

  Sincerely,

  Dave Sbarra

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  laurad2 replied 11 months ago:

  Here is the update.  He now admits there is a problem and he seems to have taken on most of the responsibilities.  He has moved out because I am just not sure that I will be able to get back the drinking and driving and the lack of trust.  He and the kids are very hopeful that I will allow him back in.  I plan on going to my first Al Anon meeting this week and he offered to come along.  He has invited me to come to his AA meetings, but I am just not to sure of anything right now.  Thanks

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  arethusaare replied 8 months ago:

  I understand your problem Im living the same thing but with my husband and xanex it makes him  a monster but he feels that a doctor gives it to him so its OK he has all the bad side effects 

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  TanaF replied 3 months ago:

  I lived with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is a alcoholic as well. I recently moved out with my two kids, it is stressful at times, at first. He swears up and down he will stop even went to AA for a few months. Come to find out afterwards he would go out and get drunk. I told him if he stays sober for a year I will think about moving back in with him.... so far he has been only sober for a month out of the 7 months we have lived apart. He is a monster as well. Name calling and threatening and not remembering what he said 5 mins later. My kids are lot younger than yours (daughter 8 and son 5). They feel the stress of our relationship and have even gone through some depression. I live my life for my children as they are more important at this moment in time. Hopefully he will realize that his family is more important than his alochol. I hope this helps knowing you are not alone and not the only one who has to make the hardest choice for you and your children

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