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Post Your Relationship Questions/Problems For Our Expert

(21 replies)
User_16700

by editorAnne

over 1 year ago

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Hey YouBeauties, Ask us your most pressing relationship questions. Our Relationship expert, David Sbarra, Ph.D., will answer some of them in his next column for YouBeauty. Remember: This is a no-embarrassment zone! Trouble in the bedroom, fighting too often, or ex-partner worries—nothing is off limits. Post below.

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    amylee20 replied over 1 year ago:

    Hi There,

    Here is my question: My husband and I have been (happily) married for quite awhile, but when we do argue, it seems to be about his mother. She's been a trouble spot in our relationship since we've dated because she trys to be controlling over her youngest son. If he does speak his mind to her, she gets very upset and won't speak to him or will be very mean to us for months--so it's not worth the trouble. Do you have any advice for dealing with in-laws? Thank you! 

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    schnazzy replied over 1 year ago:

    So i've recently finished school and I am in a very transitionary state in my life right now. My boyfriend is still in school and lives with friends and behaves like a college student. I'd like to think that i've "grown up" to behave like an adult with larger responsibilities. We don't live very far from each other but the only time we see or talk to each is on weekends. When we do see each other I'd rather focus on quality time together and just be together rather than focus on sex. He, on the other hand feels quite the opposite. I find myself less interested in sex and it's harder for me to be in the mood because I usually get easily frustrated with his lifestyle (lazy, college, video-game-playing, boy) and then I don't usually enjoy my time with him. I don't want to drift apart just because we have different lifestyles, but I find that's the direction i'm heading. Is there anything you can suggest, for me so that I can just focus on the relationship and what that entails rather than the lifestyle?

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    soak925 replied over 1 year ago:

    I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a eight months now. He has all the check boxes - smart, attractive, good job and a home, however he is fiercely independent. He is 43, I am 33. I tend to believe that some of this fierce independence is why he has never been married or had many serious relationships.

    I, on the other hand, tend to be somewhat insecure in (relatively) new relationships. This is something that I am aware of and have been doing some work on myself to improve this. With that being said, I don't feel that I am at all unreasonable and do my best to allow for a healthy amount of space for my boyfriend to pursue activities and friendships outside of our relationship.

    On occasion, however, I do find myself asking him where he's been, who he's been with, which is always interpreted by him that I don't trust him. In the past, there have been some occasions where he has been evasive when those questions are asked. I don't believe that it is because he was doing anything wrong, but rather that he felt like he was being checked up on. He always does end up answering my questions, but not without a fight. I think he feels like somehow his independence is being threatened if he surrenders to answering me. I've tried explaining to him that this sort of reaction actually just perpetuates my insecurity about our relationship, and while I think he's trying to improve how he reacts to these situations, I don't think he truly understands how his reactions affect my perception and therefore doesn't see the value in it.

    I guess my question is how do we get to some middle ground? I have committed to him to being more cognizant of "checking up on him", however, how can I get him to understand that it's going to take time, and that we're not going to get there if he's not going to work with me? How do I make him understand that wondering where he is or what he is doing is in no way an attempt to "control" him?

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    anony88 replied over 1 year ago:
    My bf and I have been together almost 8 months (4 months long distance and 4 months cohabitating). He complains how much more often the sex was while I was away at school and the fact that I initiated a lot. Ever since I started living with him, there has been a noticeable drop in sex. I've told him several reasons for that (arguments, sleepy, want it at different times of the day, maybe he needs to workout, too routine) but honestly I think I may not be as sexually
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    anony88 replied over 1 year ago:
    My bf and I have been together almost 8 months (4 months long distance and 4 months cohabitating). He complains how much more often the sex was while I was away at school and the fact that I initiated a lot. Ever since I started living with him, there has been a noticeable drop in sex. I've told him several reasons for that (arguments, new BC pill, sleepy, want it at different times of the day, maybe he needs to workout, too routine) but honestly I think I may not be as sexually attracted to him as I once was. I think hes the most handsome man ive been with and I want to marry him one day. I've been in relationships where I could bypass the aforementioned reasons and satisfy my partner's needs so my question is it possible to be in a relationship where sex is your only i
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    anony88 replied over 1 year ago:
    My bf and I have been together almost 8 months (4 months long distance and 4 months cohabitating). He complains how much more often the sex was while I was away at school and the fact that I initiated a lot. Ever since I started living with him, there has been a noticeable drop in sex. I've told him several reasons for that (arguments, new BC pill, sleepy, want it at different times of the day, maybe he needs to workout, too routine) but honestly I think I may not be as sexually attracted to him as I once was. I think hes the most handsome man ive been with and I want to marry him one day. I've been in relationships where I could bypass the aforementioned reasons and satisfy my partner's needs so my question is it possible to be in a long-term healthy relationship where sex is your only i
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    anony88 replied over 1 year ago:
    My bf and I have been together almost 8 months (4 months long distance and 4 months cohabitating). He complains how much more often the sex was while I was away at school and the fact that I initiated a lot. Ever since I started living with him, there has been a noticeable drop in sex. I've told him several reasons for that (arguments, new BC pill, sleepy, want it at different times of the day, maybe he needs to workout, too routine) but honestly I think I may not be as sexually attracted to him as I once was. I think hes the most handsome man ive been with and I want to marry him one day. I've been in relationships where I could bypass the aforementioned reasons and satisfy my partner's needs so my question is it possible to be in a long-term healthy relationship where sex is your only i
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    anony88 replied over 1 year ago:
    My bf and I have been together almost 8 months (4 months long distance and 4 months cohabitating). He complains how much more often the sex was while I was away at school and the fact that I initiated a lot. Ever since I started living with him, there has been a noticeable drop in sex. We went from 2-3 times a day in the weekends he would visit to once in to once in 2-3 weeks. I've told him several reasons for that (arguments, new BC pill, sleepy, want it at different times of the day, maybe he needs to workout, too routine) but honestly I think I may not be as sexually attracted to him as I once was. I think he's the most handsome, sweetest, loving man I've been with and I want to possibly marry him one day. I've been in relationships where I could bypass the aforementioned reasons and satisfy my partner's needs so my question is: Is it possible to be in a long-term healthy relationship where sex is your only issue? He values sex a lot and wouldn't be happy in a low-sex marriage. What can I do to make him happy again? How often a week is normal to have sex? Should I just let him have it even if I'm not in the mood (his suggestion)?
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    Gloryb1950 replied over 1 year ago:

    My queestion: being in  a multicultural marriage I don't have a problem per sec with the relationship. As I can't have children, he needs to take another wife. In Islam this is allowed. However, my question is how do you get around the jealousy issue, despite the fact we have spoken about the issue openly and that I truly do understand the need for children for his family.  As he is the only boy   this is even more crucial than would be normal.

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    ars900812 replied over 1 year ago:
    I met up with a guy that I hadn't seen in 5 years. We hit it off great, stayed out until 3am. He knew, and even talked about, that I have 10 weeks left of school so the next day I was moving 6 hours away. I left, with no expectations. HE texted me the next day and we started talking on a consistent basis. I went home to visit for a weekend and we went out twice. We started texting or talking o the phone every day. I let him be the one to lead...he told me he missed me first, he brought up being in an LDR, and everything was going great. We talked every day for a month...then we a couple of days that were rough... I had had horrible days at school/work, and he found out he might be losing his job. He eventually called me and said he couldn't handle the long distance. He was not at the same emotional level I was and couldn't be in a serious relationship with this distance. He even mentioned that he wasn't sure if he was ready for serious right now, and said "it just isn't the right time for us to be involved romantically" We talked for a while and HE ended up saying that we just need to take some time, then when it is closer to me being home, see what happens. I am a wee bit of a cynic when it comes to relationships. So I immediately go to the negative i.e. "he just doesn't want a serious relationship with ME...he's lying...."etc So i wanted outside opinions!
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    fromfornia replied over 1 year ago:

    Is it normal for me to have not been sexually active since 2009, as a woman, like, in her mid-20's? Isn't this supposed to be the most fruitful time in my life?

    Regards.

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    lilies56 replied over 1 year ago:

    hi i like this guy i feel like he is a good 1 and i dont know what to do because im shy and i have issues with rejection and i have body issues and i have a broken heart from my last relationship and i just keep making excuses, he wanted me before, but i keep pushing him away do you think he still likes me am i fooling myself.

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    lilies56 replied over 1 year ago:

    hi i like this guy i feel like he is a good 1 and i dont know what to do because im shy and i have issues with rejection and i have body issues and i have a broken heart from my last relationship and i just keep making excuses, he wanted me before, but i keep pushing him away do you think he still likes me am i fooling myself.


    by:lilies56

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    Ladytee1 replied over 1 year ago:

    well just go up and talk to him and say I like you can we exchange numbers. and than we can go out on a date and see when it is convient for you and him. and just keep your mind open.if that don't work there is always another will come along. always think positive about yourself not negitive.

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    lilies56 replied over 1 year ago:

    hi lady tee ,thanks for the answer-but i did something really wrong i got really angry and i toke all my rage on all the guys at my church, now i want to forgive, but i feel like they want to get me back and they do so im afraid im not going to be forgiven just pushed away

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    Thewomanjackson replied about 1 year ago:

    Me(43f) and my now bf(47m) started talking again after at least 15 years of losing contact. We was friends years ago and enjoyed talking to one another. When we reconnected thru fb, I was happy to get him back as my talking friend. He then told me how he really felt about me then and now, so I was okay with those feelings because I started to like him as well.  We are in a long distance relationship. I live in Atlanta, he in nyc. Hes told me he loves me, is in love with me, wants to be with me, sees me and my kids in his future. Hes working hard to get to me. When I asked him are we in a relationship he says I really don’t like to say that or give us titles, because then it will not work out. I said Im an adult and I don’t operate well with out a title. He tells his coworkers im wifey, im his woman. He says hes stubborn and a kid. Not good. I noticed that he was not really making time to talk with me, constantly telling me he would call me or skype with me and then did not. But, he would always call me in the am before work. He would also say when getting off of the phone – he had to go because of work or his kids, hes busy. I tried to talk to him about how I felt fitted into his schedule, but he just kept on saying I need you to know that I love you. I noticed that he would stop calling due to some recent health issues and told me he just would go into himself and also that’s just how him and his kids are. Not a lot of conversation. (that was in the beginning). Oh,  & he just recently introduced me to his son & was trying to introduce me to one of his daughters & his kids are his everything.

    I do have trust issues with guys because they don’t keep their word and have abandonment issues along with panic attacks, when I think Im going to lose him. He also says im about forever and im not going to leave you. Im not into the day to day but the future. I got mad at him on Friday (1/25/13), I am certain I stressed him out and I left him a message on Sunday apologizing for not at least considering his feelings and whatever hes going thru with his health &son. No response yet and its now a week. I don’t like & am very uncomfortable with feeling like someone is not responding to me. Effective Communication is very important to me. He also doesn’t really answer texts or emails, he would just call. When I sent him an email on long distance relationships he told me he was not going to read it and started talking like it was going to be a negative email. It wasn’t, it was very positive talking about things you can do together.  We have not had sex & Im going to see him in Feb. I do love him, this quietness is bugged. Thanks for the positive, uplifting advice.

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    Evalily replied 7 months ago:
    I met this guy on holiday about 6 months ago whilst on a girls holiday with my 5 closest friends, as he was also on holiday with a group of his closest friends we all started talking at the first night beach party and as a group got on really well ! For some reason we all seemed to stay together through the night as we moved on through the bars and clubs and danced all night together, as the holiday went on I become really good friends with one of them as we both have a lot in common and very similar personalities. He told me he has a girlfriend straight away and I was fine with this as we was just 2 fun people who get on well. Throughout the holiday we all met up most nights and partied together and had the most amazing holiday ! Since I have arrived back home we have all kept in touch and I have made many new close friends ! We speak every single day about anything and everything and have seen each other on nights out and still get along great! However he told me he can't stop thinking about me all the time and he really likes me, when were sat together in a group of friends he looks at me a lot and when we hug he smells my hair and is always giving compliments out to me, his friends tell me he's always arguing with his girlfriend and they're nothing a like however he has a 2 week holiday booked with her and is set to go in the next few days. He said to his friends he wouldn't be with her if it wasn't for the holiday and also said to my friends he wishes it was me he was going with. I'm good friends with his best friend and he says its weird when were together its as if we have known each other for years. I really didn't plan for this to happen, we was just good friends who have really fallen for each other, however I'm feeling very confused what to do in this situation I'd feel very silly waiting for him after holiday Incas the holiday makes their relationship stronger and I'm left with feelings for him. His girlfriend knows about me and how I am good friends with him and she confronted me in a nightclub saying shed kill me if anything was going on. I can't help my feelings! But I feel awful ! Plus I don't know what he's thinking of doing after holiday, I'm so confused !
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    nobodyreally replied 7 months ago:
    I need help with friends, girls, and "My Loner Life" please So I’m 17 years old, and I think I’m a pretty cool guy. I listen to 80s music and rap, like movies and I’m pretty athletic( the kind of guy that watches SNL on Saturday nights because he has nothing better to do) and I’ve played basketball since I was in 5th grade, and now I’m a Senior and I still haven’t made any good friends. Actually, I don’t have anybody to hang out with at all. I can get friends if I want to, but they aren't people that I can see myself talking to. I’m catholic and Mexican, so like, I wouldn't say I’m super religious, but I do have good morals, and don’t like how this world has come to. I've always wanted to have a group of friends that I could hang out with, and talk about 80s music, Basketball, and other things that I’m into, but I can tell I live life to a different beat. Everyone at my school is a huge prep, really Mexican and all they do is party, and talk about getting hammered, but I don’t like doing that! I’ve worked since I was a kid, because I’ve never had anything to do other than basketball, and Spending time with my family, so now I have bought my 2nd car. (Irrelevant but just stating the facts) I would like to think I have pretty good manners, and I’m funny too, because I can get about anyone to laugh if I really try. I grew up with 3 older brothers and 1 older sister, and I am the youngest. The oldest brother is 32, and the youngest brother is 29, and my sister is 23, so you can tell that I grew up with different likes and values than most of the people in my school. I go play basketball at open gym, and was on the varsity team since I was a sophomore in high school, so I guess I’m pretty proud of that. At school, I’m pretty funny in class, and chit chat with people, but you know, the usual high and goodbye, but that’s it. I’d like to think that I’m a confident person, and I’m not to bad looking, or so I think, so I don’t know if people think I’m weird, or something, but whatever. I use to be pretty chunky as a little kid, but know, I think I’m pretty fit, and about 5’11, so I’m not a short person. I don’t get invited to places when I hear people are going to, like the school’s football games, or anything, and I’m scared that will be lonely forever. I’ve become sort of a loner, and when I’m not a school, I usually go home and just chill in my room, go to work, or go play basketball(which I love to do), and that’s about it. I might get invited to things once in every new moon, but that’s about it. My front door neighbor is the closest thing I have to a best friend, because hes the person I hang out with. Hes a pretty cool kid, I like hanging out with him, but idk, it feels like he regrets hanging out with me. It sucks that I haven’t talked to people that like the same things, or do things I do, and I just feel alone most of the time. I know a lot of girls have liked me since I was a little kid, but ive never really gone for them, because I’m scared that they’ll think I’m weird because I have absolutely no group of friends. I wouldn’t like her to say, hey, bring your friends and ill bring mine for any reason, because I wouldn’t know what to do. My religious views might have something to do with the friends I pick from this generation, because they almost all are douches, or something. I’ve been talking to a girl now for about 2 years, just as friends, and she’s gotten to the point where she’s called me in the middle of the night buzzed, and has told me that she’s loved me, and what not, and that’s cough me off guard. She’s into different activities then I do, and she’s into music that’s a little out of my taste( I’m into 80’s, rap, classical, ect) and she’s more a little retro rock, or some sort of bands but not the hard core stuff, like 2 door cinema and stuff, so as you can see, we are different. She’s white, but her mom is Mexican, and her mom is good friends with my mom, and we met at a church event, so I think she’s a good egg. I once told her a lie, telling her that I didn’t want to be friends with her about 2 or 3 months ago, because I was scared that she was getting to close to me, as I live very secluded and what not. She had a gotten her first boyfriend when I told her that, and just recently broke up with him, and know I think I should ask her out, because I can’t find any girl that’s so down to earth as her, not that ive been looking for a girl, but she’s pretty cool. I wouldn’t consider myself as a loner, but now, I think I do. I have no friends, and last night I hung out with this girl in my room and watched a movie. We talked about how we’ve been and stuff(long story short), but idk, I’m nervous because I would have wanted to find at least 2 good friends to call my own, before I ever even thought of getting a girlfriend. I’m going to try to look for some good friends, because right now, I’m trying to make it seem like we are now friends, so it’ll give me some time before I make my move. I still don’t know if I want her as my girlfriend, but I just want to get the ball rolling in things, because I feel like if I don’t make anything happen this senior year, I’ll never get good friends, or a girlfriend. I’ve gotten use to being alone all the time, but know, I’m getting stomach aches, because she’s a social butterfly, and I just don’t want to be a loner with a girlfriend, and no life! It sucks that I’m like this, and I’ve never known what to do. It kind of stinks that I have this mind set, but I know that ill live at least mentally happy because my moral views are at least being released. I’ve tried hanging out with people, but I always find myself to think they are upnocktiouse, reckless, annoying, or we just have nothing in common. Both my parents are in their 50s and 60s, so as you can see, I’ve gotten use to their sort of way of life as well, and am living with them right now, obviously. I don’t want to grow up and never had any girlfriends, or friends, or a life when I was a kid, as my brothers and sister always tell me how awesome their lives where in high school! I don’t think I should have been born in this generation, because I don’t have anything in common with people. Just sucks-_-… I’ve never even had a kiss from a girl, and plan on being abstinent until I get married, because I think that’s how its suppose to be. Sorry, I just wanted to vent, I feel sorry for myself that I don’t have a life, and now, I’m talking to this girl I blew off 3 months ago, and I just know she’s the only one that wants to understand me, but I just can seem to go through a relationship without any friends or a life. She just told me that she went out with this guy because it was spontaneous, but I think It was for me to get jealous or something, but it’s made me realize, that the world is going on and passing me by, if I want it to or not. I know she really likes me, but I don’t want to hurt her again, like I did this past summer. I had a dream when they were going out, and she told me that both of them where going to a creative college to gather when she graduates( she’s a Junior) and this and that, and I just like I had an appifiny when I woke up, and I told myself I needed to get things going, even if I didn’t like them, or how it felt inside, because I didn’t want to be the lonely kid, that’s a creep when he grows up, with no life, no friends, no girl, and still living with my parents or something. I don’t know how it got like this, but I’ve always told myself God made me like this, and everything happens for a reason, but maybe he made me like this, so I can change it, and make something for myself. It sucks that I come from a small town (about 20 thousand people live here) as well. If you have any suggestions for me, be happy to comment, I just wanted to know if anyone’s ever felt like this, if this is normal, or if I’m just that one weird dude, that can’t get a life, and am always gana be shunned from life Sad
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    Zoana replied 3 months ago:
    Hi, I am 19 years old girl. And I am in love with a girl who is also 19 and in love with me. I meet her at a basketball game and from moment I met her I simply wanted to make her smile. At this time I had never been with a woman, because everyone said it wasnt right and those feelings are unatural not because I wasnt interested. But to say the least I did not understand these feelings, I just felt compelled to make her laugh. So I did and it made me feel amazing. After that game I didn't see her, speak to her, or even remember her name. Nine to ten months later a girl came up on my twitter. Who seemed strangly famillar and once again the feeling returned. By this time I had explored the feelings a had towards women and it felt natural to me. So this time I persued those feelings and here we are almost a year later. And it has been the best year of my life. Since I have been with her we've had ups and downs. But I have matured, learned to love myself better, and ultimately become a better person. The biggest down we've had is that her parents are strict devout christians who do not know and will not be willing to accept this. She has chosen to respect them and their household by waiting until she moves out to tell them. I respect that but it does cause major problems between us. Also we are both young and feel that it is unwise to try and force this relationship at the moment. But to wait until we've seen a little and dated more and have to means to suppot ourselves to try this relationship again. My question is how do you do this without running back into the relationship... Does this work... is it wise to make this attempt? -Zoana
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    LostnLove replied 3 months ago:
    I am so broken by my then husbands affairs that now he, my ex husband whom I live with still, that the worry and pain has paralyzed me. I cannot go for a minute without it on my mind. We decided to attempt to work thru it but his idea of "working" on things is ignoring it so he doesn't have to hear my "b*@#hing and my mouth running". So, why do I still love him so deeply?
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    chloejade973 replied about 1 month ago:
    Hi, I am a 16 year old girl and I am currently talking to a 26 year old guy. We met online and he lives 200 miles away. We have been talking for a while now and the connection we felt was instantaneous. He makes me laugh and he respects me more than anyone. I love this guy with all my heart and we always talk about our future together. The distance isn't so bad, but we are both nervous to finally pluck up the courage and tell our families we are dating. What are your opinions on this and what would you do, if you were in a similar situation? Many thanks.
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