Should I be worried or should I let it go?

(11 replies)

by soak925

9 months ago

Viewed 1034 times

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now. He is an all-around good guy and for the most part, our relationship is pretty good. The one thing that seems to be a recurring problem for us though is his multiple female friendships. He has a few close relationships with females that I just can't seem to get comfortable with. I remind myself over and over again that he is with me, and if he wanted to be with someone else, he wouldn't be with me, but these thoughts constantly nag me in the back of my mind. I have no reason to suspect that he's cheating, but I still can't seem to get comfortable with it. Here are the three examples that bother me the most:

A - They text and talk on the phone very frequently. They used to work together, but haven't for about 9 months or so. She is married, however, I've found text messages where she's texted him when she's drunk and frequently asks him to call her. Even though their texts never seem to contain anything inapporpriate, just the frequency of their texting and phone calls seem inappropriate to me. I also don't think drunk-texting on a Saturday night is an appropriate thing for a married woman to do. But, if I talk to my boyfriend about this, then I also have to admit to snooping which will lead to nowhere good.

P - Also a married woman, but insists upon seeing my boyfriend fairly regularly for coffee. About a year and a half ago they went on a group trip overseas together. At some point, she got mad at him for something he's never been able to clearly articulate, which makes me sorta uncomfortable. Additionally, she sends him cards signed "love".

C - Single woman, yet seems to consistently rely on my boyfriend for advice whenever anything is going wrong in her life.

My boyfriend knows how I feel about these women, so I've caught him hiding when he's spoken to them or seen them, which only fuels my insecurity. He refers to all of these women as "just good friends" and that they are no different than his guy friends. I just feel that the frequency in which he talks to these women are inappropriate while being in a relationship. He thinks this is unreasonable.

I guess my question is am I overreacting? Do I have any reason to worry? Keep me honest here, I can take it.

If I am overreacting, how can I make myself feel more comfortable with these relationships?

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ModeratorErika replied 9 months ago:

Just to set the tone of this reply. Men and women CANNOT be friends period! At some point one of the 2 parties involved with form a bond. Look my current boyfriend at one point was very 'friendly' with women in general and I sat down and told him how it made me feel. I did not do any finger pointing. I just plainly said, "Babe when you are overly friendly with these women I feel..... and I think I would feel more comfortable if maybe the relationship calmed down quite a bit...honey I love you, but this is a definite deal breaker for me." At that very moment I was ready to walk because I personally refuse to be in a relationship that is constantly testing my sanity. Needless to say things improved drastically cause I didn't come from a place of blaming him for what I was feeling. You have to know that there is someone out there, if not him, that will respect your relationship and tone down or even nix the relationship with their 'female friends.' If they are truly his friends they will understand that or at the very least get to know you, so that you are friends with the other couple as well. As for the single female - honey that is where I draw the line. If you are with this man and you two are in love - single female friends are a thing of the past. It like leaving the door open just in case you two don't work out. I am very territorial and I don't have a problem going there with anyone, cause at the end of the day it is way easier and cheaper for a woman to pull another man than it is for for a man to pull another woman. Know your worth honey. You deserve to be tr because I am quite sure you treat him like a king! Good luck sweetheart!

Erika

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Honey456 replied 9 months ago:

I agree w/erikacole you must absolutely draw the line when the female friend is single because that is a tempted friendship. One drink can turn into 2 and before you know it, she is single so she doesn't have nothing to lose and guys well...guys are just easy to manipulate so I suggest either explain to him that this is the deal breaker. If he refuses to help make this relationship work then understand that you are not his priority. In fact his female friends might have a priority over you if he can not comply to meet with your needs. Listen I myself, had an ex boyfriend (get this) who was still "friends" with HIS ex girlfriend. I drove myself crazy when he mentioned her name or that they talked and truthfully, it is uneccessary agony that us women put ourselves through. Thankfully the relationship ended (because he ended up cheating on me WITH HER) so just learn from my mistakes if not, feel your heart. That pain in your stomach that tells you something is not right? well that is called intuition and don't second guess that.

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soak925 replied 9 months ago:

Thanks ladies. To be fair, he is not spending a lot, if any time with these women. Only one of them (P) lives local to us and to my knowledge, he hasn't seen her in months. When he and I have discussed this, his point is basically why should he have to choose between friendships he's had for 10+ years and me. Every time we discuss it, we get nowhere. Honestly, I do not think he's doing anything wrong, it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I constantly wonder if this is normal.

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Fefe 32O replied 9 months ago:

Ok I don't usually do this but here goes. I have relationships with men similar to the women you have described. Usually I can feel the level of insecurity in there girlfriends or wives. The biggest mistake if you love this guy is to give him an alternative. Unless you truly don't care if the relationship is over. The biggest issue here is that it is a women. It has been my experience that some people just get along well with the opposite sex. Sometimes they may have feelings for each other but your insecurity is not going to stabilize your relationship. Men live confident women.

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AmyCD replied 9 months ago:

There really is an easy solution to this, and that is to befriend these 'other' women. Don't be 'catty' about it, just text or call, introduce yourself, and chat. I had a boyfriend once (once) who was friendly with a lot of people, and as I would learn of them, I would seek (not stalk) them out, and strike up independent friendships. When he found out, he got upset, but by then I already had his 'routine' figured out. It turned out he would carry stories, but that was it. We drifted apart, but his friends are still my friends. We still hear from him, but he has made his bed.

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CurlyCanuck replied 9 months ago:

As a female with more close male friends than female, I would totally disagree that you can't be friends with people of the opposite sex. That being said, my male friends respect different boundaries with me when I am in a relationship, as do I with them. They know that middle of the night drunk texts or calls or hanging out every day, while normal to us when we are not in relationships, can come off as pretty sketchy to your significant other. My male friends are mindful of my relationships, and I extend their girlfriends/wives that same respect..

If his female friends are doing things that make you uncomfortable, he needs to address it with them, but he can't do that if you don't bring it up in a calm and constructive way. (Remember, they were friends before you came along and had established behaviours that are "normal" in their friendship.) It needn't be a big deal. Just tell him how you feel. As in, "I know you guys are really good friends and I trust you, but it makes me so uncomfortable when she texts/calls/whatever in the middle of the night or when drunk." Just keep in mind that you freaking out leads to bad habbits that make things worse, such as hiding contact with them and not telling you the whole truth about their past.

When I (or my male friends) have made a mate uncomfortable with our close friendship, we adjust our interaction. An example: I have a friend who is male who really rubs my fiance the wrong way because he gets the feeling this friend has a crush on me, although nothing whatsoever before or since meeting my man has happened to make me believe that's the case. My partner expressed this to me and we came to a compromise: I see this friend either with my partner there, or have brief get-togethers over lunch or a drink but don't go out for ages, stay out too late, or get into too many drinks - and he certainly does't call in the midde of the night!

If they are really good friends of his, he should be able to talk to them about it. Men and women CAN be friends (my best friends since grade 2 are both male) but you have to tweak your friendships to make sure you aren't making your significant other feel uncomfortable. When we enter a serious relationship, we have to adapt to our partner and consider their feelings. Going to clubs every weekend, our spending habbits - think about it! We adapt for our partners in so many ways. It's how we keep our relationships healthy and happy!

Honest communication is key to any relationship. You have to talk to him. Try to be understanding of his side. And if he isn't understanding of your side of things, you should be reconsidering whether or not he's the right one for you after all, not because he has female friends, but because a lack of consideration for your partner's feelings should be a red flag no matter the issue.

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Fefe 32O replied 9 months ago:

Well said

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deedeeco1738 replied 8 months ago:

I do not think you are over reacting, but to waste so much time,energy and worry, point blank ask him.Be prepared, because we do not always get the answers we are hoping for.If you ask him, it could be the best thing you can do for yourself.I found that looking for answers is usually going to end up very unrewarding...so your answer might make you regret asking him.....to clear the air, it may be what you have to do.Good luck, hope it works out well.

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ModeratorB2121 replied 8 months ago:

I agree ..esp. with with Deedee,

I honestly believe it's rare but that mena and women can be friends...However, even not knowing your BF..What you have described with so many examples...sounds like he enjoys the attention, has an unsatiable appetite for female company(not necessarily sex), and he sounds like your classis philandering womanizer.

That said, I would so just as Deedee said...confront him, no hostility...just a sit down..or pillow talk..and tell him how this makes you feel(something tells me he already knows)..Be prepared..the answer will be what it is..and you can/should do what you want with it.

Just know...people(men esp. ) will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you allow someone to get away with something..It's an indirect way of DIRECTLY saying..I don't care..as long as I am with you..Treat me however you want...No you, we all desrve more than that...remember..wherever a window closes..a door opens..sounds cliche..but it is very true..so think about your decisions. Good luck and keep us posted! Take care!

Dr. J

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bettyliem replied 8 months ago:

Just follow your heart.

Regards.

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NullNull replied 6 months ago:

Sounds to me like this dude just likes riding on the edge. He probably is too chicken to take it to the next level and actually cheat, but I agree that he is an "attention whore".

Basically, you're either going to have to accept it and deal with it, or leave him. Because, it's never going to stop. He'll be 78 years old and hobbling on his cane over to the punch bowl at the 60'th highschool class aniversary to chat up some woman with no teeth and a humpback. With guys like this isn't not about sex. It's about attention.

Although, and buyer beware, some guys do cross that line and when they do they go massive cheat-crazy, basically bedding anything that will open its legs. It's more rare, because cheaters tend to always be cheaters from day 1, but it's a possibility.

From what you've told us so far I don't really think there's anything to worry about and going at him over having "female" friends is just going to make YOU look paranoid and insecure. So, here is a breakdown of what I think... which.. well.. what I think really doesn't matter for squat, but here goes:

A - A woman not happy with her marriage who leans on him to bolster her own insecurities and probably ask advice from a "man's" perspective. Sure, it might seem inappropriate to YOU, but she probably isn't doing anything wrong, and far be it from you to judge someone else's lifestyle, especially when you don't know them.

P - This woman is using him for attention. She's married and she wants to know that other men find her attractive. Why she got mad at him overseas probably isn't a real big deal, and she's probably no threat to you at all.

C - Classic "friend zone". These are not the droids you're looking for.

If he starts cheating, it will be obvious. Cheaters, for some reason, are also usually horrible at hiding it. You know what is normal activities are, his personality, etc... if things start seeming strange, or he starts acting odd, like coming home at odd times with no reason with any real substance to it, seems preoccupied, etc... well, you'll just "know".

As a guy with a long history of being cheat on, I really don't think you have anything to worry about here. I'd let it slide until more "telling" behavior arises and then take it serious. For now.. dont' stress about it because if you start getting paranoid over it, then you'll start making every little thing some "sign" that he's cheating. People see what they want to see, and sometimes what they don't want to see. The power of the mind, suggestion, doubt, fear, anxiety, and sometimes just plain coincidence can often be powerful in tricking you into believing something is real that isn't. Give the man his space. Start getting worried if any "real" signs of cheating happen.

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