11 Worst Sex Positions Ever Recommended

Just because a sex position is possible, it doesn’t mean it should necessarily be tried in the bedroom. Sure, it’s fun to experiment and push the physical, (and emotional and mental) boundaries of sex, but some positions should just be avoided at all costs. Not just because they’re dangerous and absurd, but because they lack sexual satisfaction, so what’s the point? You may think it sounds impressive to tell your friends that you and your partner had sex when you were on your head and he was straddling you perpendicularly. If he pulled his groin muscle and no one climaxed, it seems rather pointless to me.

However, just because some sexual positions are near-impossible doesn’t stop some sites from trying to introduce them into your bedroom repertoire. Why? Because they want you to break your collarbone, perhaps? Maybe. Of all the wacky, weird, and worst sex positions out there, we have narrowed them down to 11 that will make your head spin, both literally and metaphorically.

1. The Pair of Tongs

Usually when one thinks of tongs they think of salad, which when it comes to sex, can may either be the ticket to really getting you off or just grossing you out. You know, because “tossing salad.” (Don’t Google that if you’re on your work computer.)

However, The Pair of Tongs position requires no salad or food at all. What it does require is a man strong enough to dangle his female partner while he’s in a standing position with one of her legs between his legs. Basically, it’s like scissoring, but with far more work, because someone has to be standing and, of course, dangling.

2. Rock His Boat

Step one: Get a boat. Don’t have a boat? Then move right alone, please. But if you do have a boat then continue reading, because this one is for you.

As Cosmo instructs, the Rock His Boat position requires that “your guy sit against the side of a small boat.” Facing him put your legs over his shoulders and lean back. Since your boat is on the water, or at least should be, you’ll notice that you’re — wait for it — rocking. Yes, you’ve just rocked your man’s bost … and penis.

3. The Head Game

If you’re a fan of yoga, then this position might be ideal for you.

The woman lies on her back, but with her legs propped up in the air, as if to do a shoulder standing pose, keeping her body perpendicular to the floor as her partner penetrates from a kneeling position. If he holds her tight enough, it can take some of the work out of it for the woman, but because it is called The Head Game, maybe the point is to have all that pressure on your skull while being pounded.

4. The Butter Churner

If one were to take a poll to see what every woman is looking for in an ideal sex position, it’s definitely one in which she’s lying on the ground with her legs over her head, while her male partner squats on her, as though he’s about to take a dump. You’re picturing it right now, aren’t you?

In addition to this specific position, one of clear discomfort for the person on the bottom, a churner motion is necessary to pull it all together. Yes, the man treats the woman’s vagina as it were full of whipping cream and he has the tool, the only tool, baby, to churn it all into butter. Delicious.

5. Twirl-a-Girl

It’s sounds exactly like what it is: A woman twirling around on her partner’s dick. However, the key with this one, in addition to twirling, or rather “swiveling corkscrew motions,” is for the woman to keep her legs closed for maximum tightness.

What the position doesn’t say is that this also requires Madonna-like biceps to keep yourself up and spinning, without falling and injuring your man and his bits.

6. The Boot Licker

If ever there were a position that you’d like to suggest to your partner to try out, it’s The Book Licker. For example, “Hey honey, wanna try The Boot Licker tonight?”

With both the man and woman laying on their sides, but in opposite directions, facing each other, the woman locks her left leg over his hip, then slides into position. What you’re really dealing with is a backward cowgirl move, but you’re both on your sides to, supposedly, spice it up and make it extremely awkward and somewhat pointless. But hey, it will make for lovely brunch time conversation.

7. The Passion Propeller

For the woman who just can’t get enough of her man’s ass, this is the position for which to go.

It may start vanilla enough, a la missionary style, but then the man is to do a 360-degree spin, while keeping his penis in the woman and thrusting away. To recap: The woman lies on her back, as the man spins around, in a helicopter motion, all while keeping his penis inside and not falling off. So, you get the best of both worlds: a glimpse of your man’s butt all while trying not to laugh that you’re the helicopter to his propeller. Hot.

8. The Triple Lindy

Some things  invoke the immediate response of, “I can’t even,” and this is a perfect example.

As if pulled from the pages of a how-to figure skate handbook, The Triple Lindy requires strength, balance, and agility. From a standing position, the man is to lift the woman, as she’s facing away from him, up and onto him. She, in turn, wraps her legs around behind him while holding his arms. It’s pretty much a fancy doggy style for those who love doggy style, but want to get an extra workout while doing it. 

9. Ladder Lovin’

Again, you will need something other than yourself to pull this one off and it requires a pool with a ladder. No pool with a ladder? Next!

Both the man and woman descend the stairs of the pools ladder until the last rung is reached. Then facing away from him, she is to take one step back up the ladder and lower herself onto him. This will require that you spread your legs and feet, so he can adjust himself before the thrusting can begin. Nothing gets the libido fired up like the smell of chlorine, right? 

10. The Adult Show And Tell

Similar to a tongue twister that gets your tongue into knots, The Adult Show and Tell does the same thing for your body.

What it involves is both parties starting on their hands and knees facing away from each other. From there, the woman is to wrap her right leg around the man’s left leg with, and I quote, “your butt on his butt.” Once you’re into place, you may begin your bumping, grinding, and praying that you don’t fall over and throw out your hip.

12. Torrid Tug-of-War

What’s love, if there isn’t an occasional war, you guys? Not much.

In a position that requires the man be able to sit with his legs crossed, it is then the woman’s job to straddle him (facing him) once he’s done so. With his penis inside her and her legs wrapped around his back, both are to grab each other’s elbows while leaning back onto the floor.

Cosmo says that this is great for intimacy, but since when does intimacy involve being so physically entangled, in such an absurd and uncomfortable way?

Have fun, everyone, and try not to hurt yourselves!

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  • GeeEmm

    Your proofreader needs to find a new profession.