Show, Not Tell: How We Say ‘I Like You’

YouBeauty Attraction Expert, Viren Swami, Ph.D., explores how non-verbal communication conveys our attraction for one another.

women gazing

Having a conversation with someone is not merely about the words we utter; rather social interactions also involve a wealth of non-verbal cues, which can serve to enhance, decrease or even confuse liking for a person.

Within social psychology, non-verbal communication is perhaps one of the most well-studied fields of research, though in truth many such studies are plagued by the difficulty of reducing non-verbal communication to a few expressions that can be studied systematically.

Indeed, most people can produce countless thousands of facial expressions and about a thousand paralanguages, which says nothing yet of physical gestures, body language, hand movements, eye contact and touch—all of which have an influence on our attraction towards a person (and of course, a person’s attraction toward us).

Most people tend not to be aware of the non-verbal cues they use or that they are being influenced by others’ use of such cues. Having said that, a consistent finding in the literature, which highlights the influence of gender roles, is that women are more adept at recognizing ‘covert messages’ such as deceptive communications and may also be more likely to use non-verbal messages that contradict the verbal message (for example, sarcasm accompanied by a smile).

Eagly (1987) has explained these differences as being related to child-rearing strategies, in which girls are encouraged to be more emotionally expressive, attentive and communicative than boys.

Perhaps the most important and information-rich of all non-verbal cues are gaze and eye contact, the latter usually referring to mutual gaze. As various authors have pointed out, the amount and pattern of gazing provides a wealth of information about a person’s current emotions, their relative status, their credibility, honesty and competence and of course their attractiveness.

In general, people tend to gaze longer at people they like, and similarly, intimacy is communicated by greater gaze. So powerful is this effect that false information about gaze can affect our liking for a person: in one study, couples who had engaged in a ten-minute conversation were given false feedback on gaze. Participants who were told that they had been gazed at less than average were less attracted to their partners; by contrast, above-average gaze increased men’s, but not women’s, attraction for their partners.

Gaze can also serve to regulate interactions, both in terms of initiating a conversation, regulating the course of a conversation, and ending or avoiding being drawn into a conversation. But there may also be cross-cultural or cross-ethnic differences in this pattern of communication.  

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Swami, A. & Furnham, A. (2008). The Psychology of Physical Attraction. New York: Routledge. Taylor & Francis and Routledge website www.tandf.co.uk Many Taylor & Francis and Routledge books are now available as eBookswww.eBookstore.tandf.co.uk

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