It is not an exaggeration to say I’ve made eye contact with Joan Collins every day of 2015. A certain segment of our readers probably also fall in the crosshairs of E!’s promo blitz for “The Royals,” the network’s first attempt at scripted television.
In case you haven’t passed her likeness on a poster every single day like I have, let me tell you this: Joan Collins is 81-years-old. Her husband is 50. She is a Queen. She is a queen. She’s also Cara Delevingne’s godmother. The “Dynasty” star is killing it at life and we should all look up to her.
Joan Collins invented #nomakeup before we were all born in a 1973 TV special called “Everything You Wanted to Know About Joan Collins But Were Afraid to Ask.” In the clip below, she puts on her face in front of a male news anchor who asks her questions like, “This is not fancy makeup?” This video is 14 minutes long and thoroughly worth watching if you A) care about makeup or B) are having a rough day and would benefit from a soothing British voice. Her advice is still sensible 40 years after she offered it: Women decide what makeup works best for them in their 20s and stick with it forever, while makeup changes and innovates around them. Why not switch things up?
Product: Frameline Black Eyeliner
Results: The gold, ridged packaging looked exactly like the Estée Lauder lipsticks that my grandma had in her purse for my entire childhood. You can trick your friends into thinking you use Estée Lauder, if that’s the kind of bad sense of humor you have. “Frameline” is a fancy way of saying liquid eyeliner, and this liner is a fairly standard tapered brush tip. I didn’t need to reup on product mid-eyelid, which really my only pet peeve when it comes to eye makeup.
Was It Royal?: Gold packaging is royal as hell. Using a name no one has heard of for your totally normal product is even more royal. Five crowns. Congrats, Duchess Collins.
READ MORE FROM THE “CELEBRITY BEAUTY CHALLENGE” ARCHIVES:
Product: Sleep Active Night Cream
Results: Vogue once did a product review of this night cream in which the author got all sorts of compliments from strangers on her newly glowing skin. I was looking forward to these kind of results and moreover, this level of attention. Nope. Although people didn’t stop me on the street to ask about my new beauty regimen, this cream was fine. It was thicker than I would normally use, especially before bed. But I didn’t break out after a week of using it which is more than I can say for most new products. It smells like rosewater.
Was It Royal?: The cream isn’t necessarily royal in and of itself, but you could always have someone else slather it on your face for you. There’s nothing more royal than servants! Clear skin is also VERY royal. Three crowns.
Fun Fact: All of the lipsticks are named after characters Collins has played. Want to look like Evelyn Nesbitt from “The Girl In The Red Velvet Swing” (1955)? I have a lipstick recommendation for you.
Results: The website says Evelyn lipstick is a coral that’s a “great shade for blondes, redheads, and Summer.” With NYC hitting 50 degrees, it’s basically summer and time for coral. Evelyn is a scary-bright at first (although maybe I was just looking at it with my glazed winter eyes) but it goes on more pink than orange. I wore it to an outdoor flea market over the weekend and felt summery, just as advertised. The burgundy Alexis lipstick is a dark shade that feels ~vampy~. I wore Alexis to a Friday night happy hour and it stayed on through two drinks. It was the perfect shade for a dark NYC bar.
Was It Royal?: Putting on lipstick always makes me feel like a queen, but there is nothing particularly royal about these lipsticks. Three crowns.
Product: Contour Eye Liner Pencil – Black
Results: You can’t talk about Joan Collins without talking eyeliner. I tried and failed to find confirmation that she has permanent liner. In all of her public appearances, including the video above, she has thick black undereye liner. This has gotta be good, I thought. Her contour eye liner pencil was a good half-inch longer than my basic Sephora pencil. My delicate queenly fingers got Contour Eyeliner Pencil – Black all over my royal undereye. This is not good, I thought.
Was It Royal?: Too long, but could be used as a scepter? One crown.
Product: Glorious Gloss
Results: Joan’s website describes the gloss as “million dollar sparkle.” It gave my lips a sheer, pearly shimmer that didn’t last too long. It was more of an $18 sparkle. It would probably look nice layered over the Alexis. I would have bought it at Sephora or Claire’s as a teenager if I needed a quick perk-up lip gloss.
Was It Royal?: Royally COOL! Three crowns.
So am I a queen today, writing this? I’d like to think that Joan Collins would say yes, especially since I’ve spent so much time reviewing her products. She also once said, “I don’t touch the public.” So who knows?
Even better words of advice from Joan: “You can go to any department store and they’ll give you a free makeover.”