Women and men who were taught by parents to handle their emotions and communicate their needs in healthy ways typically form secure attachments. Those who were not surrounded with healthy relationship examples growing up are likely to develop avoidance, ambivalence, or disorganized attachment styles. What does this mean for your love life? If you lean toward one of the insecure attachment styles, you may be standing in your own way as your search for true love. Insecure attachment styles exert powerful influences on the ways you show and receive love. Stop the self-sabotage!

Don’t let an insecure attachment style dictate the way you handle problems and disagreements with your partner. Learn to recognize and put an end to destructive behavior.

Focusing on the negative

Does your partner do everything all wrong all the time? Really? Constantly complaining about their shortcomings causes a great deal of damage to your relationship.

How to stop: Recognizing the ways your partner demonstrates love for you will help build trust. Thank them and show your appreciation when they do some unexpected nice thing. Take more satisfaction in their efforts to show that they care.

Holding grudges

People who tend toward an ambivalent attachment style have difficulty letting go of resentment and contempt for their partner’s actions and in-actions. Identifying any grudges or resentments you may be holding onto is important.

How to stop: You need to talk about grudges openly and make a sincere effort to put your anger aside for good. Communicating your needs to each other clearly can help rid your relationship of contempt. You can also develop rituals that will help nurture your attachment bond and make sure both of your needs are met in a reasonable way.

Failing to communicate your needs

Do you feel disappointed or angry when your partner doesn’t anticipate your needs? Believing your significant other should know exactly what you want without telling them is unrealistic.

How to stop: You need something from your partner, tell them with love and respect. Be specific and honest. Explain what they could do that would be helpful to you. Don’t forget to consider what also works for your partner.

Failing to respect privacy or boundaries

If you frequently snoop through your partner’s emails, tests and call log, you’re stomping on your partner’s need for and right to privacy.

How to stop: Is your need for reassurance driven by something your partner has done that gives you justifiable reason to be suspicious? If there’s no clear reason for you to be concerned, discuss your worries with them directly. Don’t cross lines you both agree should not be crossed.

Isolating yourself

People with avoidance attachment styles may find being alone feels like relief. Often they may feel that being around people—even those they love—can be exhausting.

How to stop:  Give yourself needed alone time, but also make sure you schedule plenty of time with your partner. Losing the phones, tablets, TVs and laptops guarantees that technology won’t get in the way of your intimacy.

Fearing to take risks

Being afraid to take risks can stop you from growing and discovering each other. Stagnation can lead to boredom that damages your relationship.

How to stop: Try talking about your feelings and discussing your problems openly. Ask for your partner’s understanding and patience as you learn to be more vulnerable. Your partner loves you, and hiding your inner self from them feels personal to them.

Read More: Why Do Men Pull Away?