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How to Find Love: A Plan

Use the power of proximity to find romance.

March 26th, 2012

So far in my column, I’ve extolled the power of proximity on romantic relationships—the simple idea that we’re much more likely to form close relationships with people who are nearby.

I’ve also suggested that one reason for this is the "mere exposure effect," which is the idea that the more frequently we see someone, the more we come to like them. There’s really no denying the conclusion that proximity matters and that mere exposure works.

But how can you put this knowledge to good use?

In my next column, I’ll begin to look at how physical appearance shapes our social interactions, but until then, here are some simple ways anyone can apply what we’ve learned so far:

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How to Find Love: A Plan

Enhance your "contact potential."

Some psychologists advise that you carefully consider where you meet people and whether you are maximizing your contact potential. As a simple exercise, make a list of 10 places that you visit every week. This could include your workplace, school, a park, a favorite store or a gallery, so long as they are places you visit regularly.

QUIZ: What's Your Love Style?

Once you’ve done this, rate each of these places for their "contact potential" on a scale of one to five, where one means you rarely encounter new people during each visit and five means you frequently encounter new people each time you visit. "Encounter" in this context should mean people you have some form of interaction with (or, at least, have a high chance of interacting), rather than just seeing them pass by. Standing next to someone at a bus stop would not count as an encounter in this exercise, unless you’re certain you might strike up a conversation. 

Once you’ve done this, take a look at your ratings. The ratings you’ve given your frequently-visited places give an indication of their contact potential. The point of this exercise is to get you thinking about your local environment and the contact potential it offers. Think creatively about where you can meet new people. If you have low scores for all your places, you might want to consider visiting new places—joining a sports team or book club, for example—that will give you new opportunities to meet people regularly.

Or, if some of your places have high scores and others low scores, then consider whether there might be replacements for the low scorers. The pub that you frequent every weekend may not offer many opportunities to meet new people, but perhaps there’s another pub you could try? Or, as my students discover (admittedly after a lot of cajoling on my part), moving seats every couple of weeks results in more friendships than staying put for the entire semester.

Make "mere exposure" work for you.

Once you’ve spotted a potential partner, it’s time to make mere exposure work for you. Before any kind of interaction has taken place, repeated and regular exposure will, all things being equal, make you seem more likeable and attractive to your potential date.

COLUMN: Where Do We Meet Potential Partners?

Of course, real life is usually far more complex than life in the lab, but there are still ways of getting the most out of mere exposure. Some studies suggest that mere exposure reaches its maximum effect within ten to twenty presentations and there’s also evidence that liking declines after a longer series of exposure. The lesson: be seen, but not for too long each time, and make your move before ten or so exposures.

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