When you have kids, you’re driven to protect your gene pool. This translates to answering to their needs—when they’re crying, when they need a ride. The happier the marriage, the easier it is to deal with raising children. And tending to your marriage will give your children the opportunity to grow up under a loving partnership. The kids will treat themselves the way you treat yourself. So sacrificing all your happiness and giving up your aspirations for them will encourage them to do the same later in life.
Develop a Shared Vision
It’s important to be able to talk through and develop a shared vision as your relationship evolves. Your values pre-marriage will certainly have changed after years (deciding not to have children or to never buy artificially-flavored drinks). If you disagree over your new plans, take advantage of the different approaches to solving the problem.
Give Your Spouse Space
You both still need to live your own lives, with individual interests and friends. It’s unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all your needs. Couples grow when individuals can remain independent. Each of you will bring more back to the marriage if you’re relaxed and refreshed.
If you can name three things that would please your spouse right now, do one of them. Remember, the surprise isn’t necessarily what you do. It’s the fact that you unexpectedly took the time to do something special.
Embrace a Little Tenderness
Placing blame or judging your partner will only distance you more. If the issue isn’t serious, don’t take yourself so seriously. Laugh at your own foibles (but not your partner’s). And one of the hardest but most effective things you can do is say you’re sorry and admit you’re wrong every once in awhile. This is the relationship Band-Aid that can heal a lot of wounds.
Try The Your Way/Their Way Four-Week Trial
Here’s how it works. For two weeks, you make every decision. This means all big and small decisions (except for sex, which is always consensual). What kind of decisions? Whether you’re spending Saturday cleaning or at Starbucks, what time you go to bed, etc. Then switch. This plan works because you reaffirm your trust in each other. It also separates the issues you’re experiencing, from the power struggles. Each person will feel safer after realizing the other isn’t power-tripping them.
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