This week, the annoying one right after holiday break, will forever be remembered as the week 20-year-old boystar Justin Bieber had “a dream come true.” He is now a Calvin Klein spokesmodel, foisting his oiled torso and #MyCalvins on the world. But not all is as it seems. Just last week, when you were bored over the holiday break, what wouldn’t you have given for an entire news cycle centered around Justin Bieber’s crotch? Let us explore.

January 6, 5:13 pm. A shirtless solo:

Justin Bieber provides his own fanfare from behind the drums in a in a perfectly Vine-able six-second video announcing the new campaign. Biebs has no shirt, his co-model Lara Stone has no face.

January 6, 5:12 pm. It begins:Biebs once again takes it upon himself to announces his #mycalvins campaign with the ominous threat of more photos to come. Shock, awe, and mild praise ensue.

January 7, 10:10 am. “I call shenanigans on the crotch”:

Questions of bulge-size veracity arise immediately.

January 7, sneakily: “Really big”:

Justin Bieber’s billboard arrives in SoHo in NYC and on Sunset Boulevard in LA.

January 6-7: The Wahlbergs get involved:

Mark Wahlberg’s wife got in a boxer brief turf war with Justin Bieber over her husband’s iconic 1992 Calvin Klein campaign. She tweeted, “My baby was the 1st and the best. And not to mention…. wow the retouching….” Plus, she revealed her nightly ritual in a tweet, “mark wahlberg calvin klein ads – Google search that’s real……ain’t gonna lie.” After a firestorm of hate from Beliebers, Marky Mark himself makes a call over to Bieber HQ to pass the torch. The Biebs calls off his troops.

Mark Wahlberg vs Justin Bieber

 January 7, Afternoon: The rumor mill churns on:

Justin Bieber ate junk food to bulk up for the role.

January 8, 7:12 am: Road to nowhere.

TMZ reports that Bieber’s happy trail is retouched.

January 8, 10 am: The whole dang thing is retouched, oh and Bieber is a douche. (whose site is now crashed) Instagrammed a video of the before and after. Visible differences include larger pecs, increased bulge, shrunken head, bulkier arms and shoulders, and thicker legs.BreatheHeavy also reported that Bieber hit on his #MyCalvins co-star Lara Stone. “He was basically a douche. He hit on Lara several times and she had to stop him, basically calling him out on being just a child.”