Blake Lively, headmistress of gluten-free, sugar-free, and editor-free lifestyle website Preserve.us, has officially announced her pregnancy. We can’t wait to meet the Green Lantern-van der Woodsen baby those two will raise on items from the “greatest hits of Main Street, USA” collection, lovingly curated by Mama Hair and her trusty paleo elves.Artisanal reporters everywhere have one question: what are her cravings? In a convenient bit of sponsored content, Lively’s doting husband Ryan Reynolds has apparently been buying her “organic hand-churned pumpkin-flavoured ice cream and small-batch pickles.”If she does turn to Preserve, here are Lively’s options for her artisanal cravings:
- Pure Botanical Sugar: Bergamot Lemon, Cardamom True, and Grapefruit Hibiscus: Sadly for regular pregnant women, this “botanically infused sugar” costs $45. But can’t the baby’s college fund wait another afternoon plus 4-5 days for shipping? Imagine yourself as Blake Lively asking a Preserve (unpaid, definitely) intern for your afternoon tea for 2.5 scoops of cardamom true. Aaah, bliss.
- Togetherness and Tortillas: This family recipe is for children because there are many kids near, smiling at the food. Children love to smile at the soft tortillas and bin of what appears to be dirty ice water. Everything else looks delicious though, and the kids are happy and hungry. For a kick of spice, try the Preserve Ghost Pepper Habanero Salt. (Just kidding. Ghost pepper anythingwhile pregnant is not a good idea.)
- Rosette Apple Pie: This sounds more difficult than it is, RYAN. Use a sensible Chinese Mandolin slicer for the apples. Trust that your husband is as invested in baking photo-ready floral pies as he was the day you met. Each apple rosette layer represents one golden layer of your marriage. Start from the outside of the piecrust.
- Kick Ass Baby Back Pork Ribs: Blake remembers her words from Preserve: “No Great Gathering is complete without a regal repast fit for a King.” Today is Meat Monday. Her ribs are organic and local. Her fetus is the king. She adds 1 bottle Stuart & Co. Bitchin BBQ with Brown Sugar and coffee notes. She feasts. Also, whoever wrote the above sentence totally found the word “repast” on Thesaurus.com.
- Tomato and Cilantro Yogurt Mask: You can lick this detoxifying mask right off your face like a cartoon character. Blake’s baby is already far too dignified and would never crave this.